Moving Beyond 50/50: How to Share Expenses Equitably with a Partner

One of the most tender issues that comes up when couples come to me for help is how to share money in their relationship, starting with paying for day-to-day expenses. Often this shows up as couples are starting to get serious, like when they’re moving in together or considering getting married.

This can be a tricky discussion! I’ve seen it all with my clients. In one couple, every time one partner gave away money (and he gave away a lot), she would get triggered since he was donating from their shared savings account. Even if they could technically afford the donation, all she saw was their account balance going down, which brought her back to her childhood where money was scarcer. 

In another couple, one person was in a job he loved but didn’t pay well. He was considering taking on work that drained him, because he wanted to contribute more to their shared financial life. His partner didn’t want that for him, but was honest about the resentment that came up when she considered supporting him financially.

Moving away from 50/50

So, how should couples move forward? Most people start with the assumption that costs should be shared 50/50. Or they split costs percentage-wise, based on each person’s income. After all, isn’t that fair? I challenge couples to think a little more expansively about how resources are shared in a relationship, and even to redefine the concept of “fair”. 

Even if both partners have equal income, for example, they may not have the same amount of money to spend. Finance educator Hadassah Damian encourages folks to consider additional factors - like student loans or family support - that could alter the calculation. She provides a handy rubric to take these into account and calculate how much extra money each person truly has after taking into account some of those additional things.

What’s more, each person might have different passions and dreams. I’ve had clients who planned to go back to school, which would mean cutting back on shared spending. Another client felt most alive when pursuing their passion of biking, which requires expensive equipment. While their partners supported them emotionally, it took a lot of discussion to move to the idea of supporting those dreams financially..

A Mutual Aid mindset

I invite you to approach finances in your relationship more in the spirit of collective support and mutual aid, rather than a “you vs. me” or “what are you contributing vs. what am I contributing” mindset. 

This concept was inspired by comments made by Dean Spade, who literally wrote the book on mutual aid. He talks about the need for collective care within communities, and defines mutual aid as giving us “the tools to meet each other’s needs based on shared commitments to dignity, care, and justice.”

Before moving into the nuts and bolts of building a shared budget, start by asking questions like: What would it take to meet each other’s needs - financially and emotionally? What dreams do you each hope to realize individually and together? What would a deeper level of care look like in your relationship, where money is one of the tools you use?

Dealing with resentment and other sticky feelings

It's natural for feelings of resentment to come up if you aren't splitting things equally - especially if this is the first time you’ve split resources with someone else, or if you’ve been burned in the past. 

Let’s acknowledge those feelings when they come up. But! The trick here is to work with them, rather than letting them dictate how you take action. Can you feel resentful AND STILL decide to support your mutual dream of having a partner stay at home to raise your child, for example? Can you feel shame from earning less than your partner AND STILL accept their gracious support for paying your shared mortgage?

Everything is flexible!

Remember everything is flexible. Things can and will change over time, especially if this is a relationship you’re committed to over the long term. Incomes will go up and down, jobs will be gained and lost, family members will need to be cared for. How you split resources now is not how you will split them forever.

You may want to put a time limit on the arrangement and make an agreement for when you'll go back to reexamine it. For example, you might make a shared budget now where you decide who's contributing what, and say you’re going to revisit it in a year.

Do things in a radically different way

Ultimately, this is an invitation to do things differently. Most couples fall into patterns unconsciously (which often results in gendered outcomes), or assume things must be done a certain way.

These ideas move you from the dominant narrative that things need to be fair (read: equal), into a new paradigm that allocates resources according to needs and deep desires (if it sounds more like socialism, you’re right on!).

Regardless of how you decide to split resources, your relationship will benefit so much from having these discussions. You’re practicing opening up to each other, making hard decisions together and hopefully experiencing what it is to truly support one another.